It’s a Sticky Situation

Gather ’round, kids, because Aunt Kim is about to give you some really valuable advice.

Ready?

OK, so you know how you can order just about anything on the interwebz these days? Like, tea, clothing, dog food? Yeah, Google and Company have made it so that you almost never need to leave the comfort of your house these days, and that is super great news for people like me who don’t enjoy being around other people.

Now, over the years these companies have gotten smart. They know what their customers like and don’t like. They also know that there’s a 50-50 chance that their customers are going to return whatever it is that they’ve ordered and that the customers are also probably pretty lazy. So what they’ve started to do is print your receipt on a sticky label stock — with the return label right there on the sticky paper! Tres handy! So when you need to make a return all you have to do is peel off the return label, stick it on the bag or box, and then drop it off at the appropriate return facility. Easy freaking peasy!

But now you’re left with a receipt, and it most likely has all of your personal information on it. Name, address, phone number, order number, birth place, eye color, food allergies … okay, those last things were made up (or were they?) but that receipt does usually include some information that you’d most likely want to keep out of the hands of the wrong people. I ain’t afraid of no ghosts, but I am afraid of Russian hackers taking my personal information and buying truckloads of circus peanuts with my money.

By now, most of us have purchased paper shredders to deal with things like this. Here’s where the advice part comes in: do not put the handy sticker label receipt into your paper shredder. Imma repeat that: Do. Not. Put. That. Receipt. Into. Your. Paper. Shredder. Don’t. Just don’t. Forget everything Nike has ever told you. Just don’t do it. It will not end well for you, and it won’t end well for the paper shredder. There will be squealing (maybe on your part but definitely on the part of the shredder), swear words, and possibly even smoke (again, maybe on your part but definitely on the part of the shredder).

But Aunt Kim, I just have one sticker. How bad can it be if I just do it this one time? Kid, don’t be dumb. I just explained it’s going to be bad. Real bad.

Here’s what I want you to do. Get yourself some jumbo Sharpie markers or even go fancy and get this little gadget. You can still use your shredder to destroy all non-sticky items. Bonus, you can use your jumbo marker or identity theft stamp on those junk mail pieces that get delivered every single day. But don’t use your jumbo Sharpie marker to draw a mustache on the dog. That also won’t end well.

OK, so to recap — what are we not going to do? Right, we are NOT going to put sticky things into our paper shredder.

Now if you’ll excuse me, Aunt Kim has to go buy another paper shredder.

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